The Power of Parent-School Relationship
February 4, 2025
A School of Orphans? From Coffee Chats to Paradigm Shifts
February 4, 2025
Rabbi Dr. Avichai Pepper
Imagine driving on a freeway with several GPS devices providing conflicting directions at the same time. Waze suggests taking the next exit, while Google Maps proposes a different route, and a third app offers yet another alternative. Confused, the driver starts to follow the directions that are shouted the loudest but then finds himself following some of the directions from one GPS and other suggestions from another. Overwhelmed and getting completely lost, the driver may need to pull off the road, halting his progress entirely, while he sorts through all the conflicting guidance.
This scenario mirrors the experience of many children navigating conflicting values and expectations from their schools, families, and communities. Misalignment among parents, schools, and communities can lead to confusion, cognitive dissonance, and emotional distress for children.
Children face daily decisions influenced by a multitude of role models, including parents, teachers, and peers. When these key influences fail to align, children are left to resolve the contradictions on their own, often at the expense of their emotional, cognitive, and spiritual development. This misalignment does not only affect children but can also impact families, adding stress and conflict at home and in schools. The adage goes, “It takes a village to raise a child.” When the village lacks collaboration and cohesion, it risks undermining the very child it aims to nurture.
To complicate matters, the misalignment may be based on legitimate differences, and all the mixed messages may be correct. This is especially true in the case of a student whose family has minhagim or cultural heritage that differs from their community or school. To address this issue, collaboration must be intentional, proactive, and built on open communication. Schools, parents, and communities must find consistent messaging they can adopt and share while allowing space for diverse practices and beliefs. The alignment of the village that is needed must include openness for different minhagim, hashkafos, and priorities.
How can schools create this kind of alignment that provides the child with security and a clear path forward while allowing for the flexibility that is necessary to support children with diverse strengths and backgrounds? I will suggest five strategies that could be implemented without much difficulty and would go a long way toward aligning the village in the interest of holistic child development.
Parent Engagement Through Dialogue
With the right intentions, schools may offer parenting lectures or other learning opportunities for families. Unfortunately, traditional parenting lectures often fail to reach the parents who most need support. A more effective alternative is to host small, grade-level roundtable discussions. With a smaller group, parents feel more of a responsibility to participate. These events foster a sense of community among parents, providing a platform for shared challenges and solutions. Round-table parenting discussions should balance being informative and sensitive, giving a non-judgmental place for collaboration and growth. Ongoing check-ins with families also ensure that school messaging continues to align with parental expectations. This kind of small-group parent engagement and dialogue is the first step in creating alignment.
Cohesive Educational Programs
Schools should design middos (SEL) and halacha (such as Yomim Tovim) programs with family collaboration in mind. Teachers should create space for family discussions and guidance from each family’s Rav. This can be done by including a page in a workbook to write a question that the family or student should ask their Rav or a blank space for students to fill out what “My family does…” By involving families in the learning process, schools can ensure that lessons are reinforced and personalized at home.
When complex or sensitive topics are discussed in school, the school should communicate with parents in advance, letting them know the topic and the approach taken by the school. Subsequently, sending home discussion prompts and guided questions allows families to engage in these complex conversations in a way that respects their unique practices and expectations. In this way, schools empower the parents to continue these conversations and add their perspectives to the topic in a collaborative and supportive manner.
Schools don’t have to reinvent the wheel here, as there are excellent resources available for many of these topics. For example, Chai Lifeline Crisis Services has outlines and suggestions on topics including crisis and trauma, mental health, and other challenging discussions. Materials are also available on topics such as tefilah, emunah, and middos or social-emotional development. Sharing talking points and guided questions with parents helps include them in the learning process and creates a space for continued growth outside of school.
Since some parents may not have experience with challenging conversations and topics, it can be helpful to remind parents that such conversations should be non-judgmental and constructive rather than aggressive. Parents should be invited to reach out to the school for clarifications, additional guidance, and to share feedback.
Sensitivity to Family Backgrounds and Other Diversity
Schools must consider the diverse backgrounds and journeys of their families. Sensitivity is critical to avoid placing children in situations where they feel forced to choose between loyalty to their school or their parents. These sensitivities include but are not limited to, levels of Yiddishkeit, finances, mental health, personal family life, neurodivergence in learning, and cultural backgrounds. Policies and teaching methods should reflect an understanding of the individual needs and emotions of families. Teachers should steer clear of absolute statements, as they can limit the flexibility needed to address individual sensitivities and accommodations.
Transparency and Feedback Mechanisms
Effective communication requires a two-way exchange: schools should share information with parents, and parents should actively provide feedback to schools. Transparency, sharing of important information, and providing feedback are important to collaboration and growth. Regular short and simple surveys (probably anonymous) can help schools gauge parental perspectives and adjust their approach accordingly. Sharing updates on school programs and messaging fosters transparency, ensuring parents and schools use consistent vocabulary and strategies to address challenges.
Parents should be made to feel safe and comfortable sharing challenges, including mental health issues, with the school. The more information the school and the teachers have, the more sensitivity and guidance they can offer. Schools can only work collaboratively with the information that they have. Unfortunately, most educators have had experiences where withheld information led them to make poor decisions and limited the ways they could help their students. Schools should ask parents to grant permission for the school mental health team to be in contact with family mental health care providers, closing the gap between the home and the school. Schools should treat confidential information with care and sensitivity, and support and accommodate students based on it, building trust and encouraging more transparency and sharing in the future.
Addressing Technology and Social Media
As technology continues to shape children’s lives, collaboration among parents, schools, and communities is needed to set shared expectations and benchmarks around technology use, to provide children and families with consistent guidance. It’s important for all families to understand that access to technology and social media affects all children, even those who don’t have this access in their homes. Friends are an important part of children’s growth but also bring to the fore this need for communal norms to be set. Suggested family policies like no technology in private home spaces, filtering internet and devices, and other critical limitations such as age- or grade-based rules can be a starting point for open conversation expectations for the usage of technology.
Building a Unified Vision
Parents rely heavily on the support and structure of the school to raise their children. This reliance is only sustainable if all partners are working in the same direction and acting as the same village. A cohesive “village” is built on transparent communication, collaboration, shared goals, and respect for differences. While perfect agreement is not always possible, establishing common benchmarks and a unified vision for child-rearing strengthens the foundation for children’s development. Consistent messaging from parents, schools, and communities empowers children to navigate the complexities of the modern world with confidence and clarity.
The Gemara in Kiddushin (30b) describes a profound partnership, teaching that there are three partners in the creation of a person: the mother, the father, and Hashem. It is said in the name of Rav Pam that this partnership does not end when the child is born but continues in raising the child. Since the sacred task of teaching children is considered meleches hakodesh, educators are seen as an extension of Hashem’s role in this partnership. May this holy endeavor continue to be blessed with success and continued merits of Hashem’s guidance and hashgacha.
Rabbi Dr. Avichai Pepper is a seasoned educator with a rich academic and professional background. A graduate of the New England Rabbinical College in Providence, RI, he holds a doctorate in educational leadership from Liberty University, alongside a master’s degree in educational leadership from Bellevue University and a master’s degree in counseling from Liberty University. Currently serving as the Director of Educational Support Services at the Yeshiva of Greater Washington, Rabbi Dr. Pepper leverages over 25 years of dedicated service in Chinuch (Jewish education) and community development. He also serves as a teacher coach through Lomdei and the Idea Institute and is an adjunct professor at the Woodmont College School of Education. Rabbi Dr. Avichai Pepper can be reached via email at [email protected].