From Adversaries to Allies: Reframing the Parent-School Relationship

Mrs. Etti Siegel

The longstanding divide between schools and parents, often framed as a “school vs. parents” conflict, has persisted for far too long, creating barriers to the collaboration necessary for promoting student success. Too often, schools and parents find themselves in opposition, fostering mistrust and misunderstanding. The result is a fractured educational environment where students, parents, and educators struggle to work together toward common goals.

However, change is not only possible but necessary. Many schools are finding innovative ways to change this mindset by focusing on cooperation, respect, and mutual understanding to reframe the relationship between schools and parents as a partnership,  grounded in empathy and a shared vision for children’s success. In this article, I will identify several root causes and solutions for each and provide strategies for proactive and positive relationship-building. 

Understanding the Divide: Root Causes and Solutions

To address the “school vs. parents” mentality, we must first understand its root causes. These include ineffective communication, power imbalances, conflicting expectations, and past negative experiences. Here’s a list of four possible causes, along with a solution for each. 

Challenge: Ineffective Communication Channels

One of the primary reasons for the divide is poor communication. Schools often fail to reach parents in ways that resonate with them, leading to frustration and disengagement. Parents may feel left out of important conversations about their children’s progress, while schools feel they are doing their best to keep parents informed.

Solution: Utilize Multiple Communication Platforms

In addition to traditional newsletters and emails, principals can adopt more dynamic communication tools like WhatsApp groups, text messages, and even social media for those schools whose parent body is connected to these mediums. These platforms allow for more frequent, informal updates that keep parents engaged. For example, short WhatsApp messages can be sent to explain policies or update parents about school events. 

Mrs. Khavi Rosenshein, principal at Bnot Yaakov of Great Neck, will send messages to her parents over WhatsApp, a medium her parents prefer. She announces events, updates parents on protocols, reminds them about upcoming Rosh Chodesh events, and spotlights different classes and their learning. She finds that the parents are grateful for the connections. She and her parent body find it direct and timely, and her parents appreciate seeing it right away. She sends emails, but WhatsApp is where she gets immediate feedback.

Additionally, programs can provide personalized updates on academic performance, attendance, and behavior, ensuring that parents receive timely, relevant information that they can act on immediately.

In Yeshiva Tiferes Moshe of Queens, the junior high boys get marked every Thursday on effort and participation, earning them a chance to join the High Five Club. Boys who are not academic can proudly join along with their more academic peers. The parents get weekly notifications. Keeping them up to date is helpful so there are no surprises when a teacher reaches out after a few weeks of low ratings.

In Yeshiva Ketana of Long Island, each boy is rated by his teacher daily based on his behavior, and boys with high scores are included in the Weekly Scroll. The parents get an email about this accomplishment, and the boys who were on the scroll also get rewarded with an occasional treat, such as hot pretzels, ice cream sandwiches, or churros. Mrs. Larissa Steele, general studies principal, shared that parents and students really like the program.

Regular virtual school tours or live-streamed events can also allow parents to step into their child’s school environment, making them feel more connected to the daily life of their child.

Challenge: Power Imbalance Between Schools and Parents

Another significant challenge is a feeling of power imbalance. Schools often struggle to engage parents without overstepping boundaries, while parents may feel intimidated or excluded from important decisions.

Solution: Foster Accessibility and Inclusivity

Principals should actively reach out to parents in meaningful ways. For example, organizing “Walk & Talk” sessions where parents and teachers can have informal conversations while walking around the school grounds fosters a relaxed atmosphere and builds rapport. It removes the power dynamics that often come with scheduled meetings.

Mrs. Rivkah Dahan, former principal of YDE girls school, would often be seen giving tours of the school to parents, prospective and current, allowing them to witness the wonderful learning happening in the building.

Another approach is to implement buddy systems for new families, where existing families help guide newcomers through the school’s culture, expectations, and events. This fosters a sense of belonging and provides parents with a more accessible way to navigate school systems.

One out-of-town yeshiva has a form on its admissions page for prospective parents to ask to be connected with a current parent to discuss their questions or get a better understanding of the yeshiva’s program.

Challenge: Conflicting Expectations Between Parents and Schools

Parents and schools often have differing expectations regarding their child’s education, leading to misunderstandings. For instance, parents may want less homework or fewer tests, while schools may see these as vital for academic rigor.

Solution: Set Clear, Transparent Goals

Schools need to establish clear procedures and expectations from the outset. Schools can send quarterly goal-setting reports to parents, explaining academic milestones, testing schedules, and the reasoning behind them. This transparency helps parents understand the educational objectives and the role of testing and homework in achieving them. Additionally, special newsletters (separate from the regular newsletters) sharing best practices in education allow parents to better understand the educational philosophies at play and why the school is doing what it is doing.

Many schools use online programs that allow parents to see real-time snapshots of their child’s work, grades, and teacher comments.

Challenge: Past Interactions and Mistrust

Past conflicts, whether related to behavior issues or misunderstandings about educational plans, can leave lasting scars, creating barriers to collaboration.

A teacher shared that when she called her first-grade student’s mother at the beginning of the year, the mother was very antagonistic. She gently probed and found out that because the daughter struggled with executive functioning (she was “all over the place” and didn’t follow through with tasks), the mother had only received negative phone calls in the past. The teacher set out to rectify the situation by keeping the principal in the loop and having the parents get nachas phone calls from both administrators and the teacher frequently. The mother was so much more willing to help the school help her child.

Solution: Create Opportunities for Positive, Informal Interactions

Principals and educators must actively work to rebuild trust by creating opportunities for positive interactions. A simple but effective approach is for principals to make personal phone calls to parents, offering praise or a positive observation about their child. This can be as simple as leaving a message on the voicemail for parents to replay for their child, reinforcing the positive connection.

Additionally, a gratitude board or a virtual “shout-out” space for teachers, parents, and students to post thank-you notes or positive comments can create a culture of appreciation and goodwill.

Mrs. Pnina Neuberg of Bnos Bais Yaakov of Far Rockaway works hard to know everything, and parents and students know this well from the stickers she gives out that read Morah Neuberg is proud of me or the phone calls she makes. (She was in Israel for a new grandson’s bris, but she still called a school family to say mazel tov on the grand siyum they were making.)

The Power of Collaboration: How Schools and Parents Can Work Together

Collaboration is beneficial for students’ academic success but is also essential for fostering an environment where children feel supported, safe, and motivated to thrive. Below are some strategies that encourage genuine partnerships between schools and parents:

Strategy 1: Engage Parents in School Decision-Making

Parents should be more than just passive recipients of information. To engage them as true partners, schools can organize parent-school collaborative “hackathons” where families and educators work together to solve real-life school challenges, such as designing new school events, creating a sustainable lunch program, or tackling social-emotional issues. These events provide a platform for parents to feel like active contributors to school development.

Some schools use parent surveys before they make important policy changes, with the understanding that the final decision will be made by the school administration (or a rav, if halacha is involved).

Strategy 2: Celebrate Contributions and Boost Parent Involvement

Acknowledging parents’ contributions encourages continued involvement and strengthens the sense of partnership. Organize sponsorship opportunities for special school events or fundraisers and publicly thank contributors in newsletters or videos. Parents who feel valued are more likely to continue engaging with the school. Schools can also host Lunch and Learn Programs that involve parents in academic exercises, providing a platform for learning and interaction that goes beyond the classroom.

Rabbi Moshe Neuman, a”h, of Bais Yaakov of Queens, used to host a Lunch and Learn once a month, and mothers who were available that day would come and enjoy his wisdom on the parsha. Mrs. Bashi Salzman, a school psychologist at YDE boys’ school, meets once a month at a parent’s home, and mothers come to hear her wisdom and discuss issues. She will often have 20-25 parents in attendance!

Two Quick and Practical Suggestions to Help Principals Break Down Barriers

To make collaboration work, we must actively identify and remove barriers to effective communication and involvement. Here are two practical strategies that principals can implement:

1. Real-Time Digital Feeds and Video Updates:

Schools can send weekly videos or photo highlights of classroom activities, projects, and events to parents. Parents are more likely to engage when they see their child’s face and hear about their experiences. Using videos to highlight achievements or introduce school events provides a sense of belonging for parents and strengthens school-home connections.

Although videos are time-consuming to produce, many parents find themselves feeling too busy to peruse a newsletter. A short video can keep parents in the loop and feeling proud. The schools that produce them were quick to remind me that they are careful to notice who is in the video, so parents get to see their children, and no one complains that their child is never in it. Many send them once a month or every other week. Photo slideshows set to music work as well and are much easier to produce than video.

2. Regular Check-Ins from Administration:

Personal touch matters. Principals should call parents to share positive observations about their children or follow up after parent-teacher meetings. These calls help parents feel valued and show that the school cares about their child’s progress.

Mrs. Shoshana Honig of Yeshivat Ohel Torah makes personal calls daily, keeping parents informed of the wonderful progress she sees or making a “nachat note” call when she catches a student doing good. 

Moving Forward as Partners

Rabbi Yaakov Rabinowitz, of YBH of Passaic, shared that his administration makes communication a top priority, and the message filters throughout the school. The unwritten mission statement of “We care about every person and will do whatever we can for each other” is obvious from the behavior of every administrator to the staff, students, and parents, causing a ripple effect that makes everyone on the same side. They view the parent body as family and attend every simcha they can.

Mrs. Lisa Wadler, principal of BYA, stresses that an open-door policy can go a long way toward bridging and eliminating the us-them situation. Parents can reach administrators on their cell phones, and they rarely abuse the privilege.

In an increasingly interconnected world, the relationship between schools and parents is vital. By adopting a collaborative, transparent approach, schools can bridge the divide and turn parents into allies. With consistent, open communication, personalized engagement, and a focus on positive interactions, schools and parents can work together to ensure that every child receives the support they need to thrive. Through innovation, empathy, and shared responsibility, we can eliminate the “school vs. parents” mentality. This will not only strengthen relationships but also directly contribute to the overall success and well-being of students.

Mrs. Etti Siegel holds an MS in Teaching and Learning/Educational Leadership and brings sound teaching advice to her audiences culled from her over 35 years of teaching and administrative experience. Etti is an adjunct professor, a coach, and an educational consultant for the many agencies in the tri-state area and is a sought-after mentor and workshop presenter around the country. She is a frequent contributor to this journal and has a weekly column in The Jewish Home. She can be reached at [email protected].

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