Mrs. Chana Wallach
Mrs. Cohen is sitting in her son’s principal’s office. Her son acted out in class again, and she was asked to come down to school for a meeting. She is confused by her child’s behavior and isn’t sure how to properly help her child. She takes a deep breath and asks for help from her son’s principal. She shares her thoughts and together, they plan the next steps to support her child. Step by step with the rebbe, teacher, administration, and support staff her child gets the help he needs and learns important life skills along the way. At home, his parents work hard to help him stick to the plan they made with the school. Little by little, their son slowly begins to thrive. Mrs. Cohen isn’t getting so many phone calls anymore and feels as if she is an empowered mother. School and parents alike are filled with nachas at the growth of this child.
To an educator, this sort of relationship with their students’ parents sounds like a dream. So often, this kind of collaboration doesn’t occur, and the growth we all want fails to materialize. All relationships are two-sided and if parents aren’t willing to work with the school or maintain respect, school leaders can be frustrated in their efforts, even with the best intentions and solutions. But you would be surprised at the power we have as educators to support parents, even those who are unwilling. By following guidelines, some humility, and the strong conviction that this sort of relationship is possible, it can become a reality. How can we make it work?
The parent-school relationship can be improved by focusing on three things:
- Direct interactions between teachers and parents
- School programming for parents
- The tone set by school leaders when they interact with parents
Parent-teacher Interactions
When the interactions between teachers and parents are positive, warm, and open, they become tools to create trust, the vital building block of any healthy relationship. Teachers should approach these interactions with humility and respect for the parents, as they truly have a unique and important sense of their child’s personality and development and are genuinely entitled to advocate for their child. Good teachers truly listen when parents speak, hear their thoughts, respond to their requests, and are willing to be flexible when appropriate.
Additionally, there should be a deliberate and proactive approach to parent communication. Teachers should build time into their schedules for parent communication and implement a proactive communication strategy that includes ongoing positive “nachas” communication. Teachers who occasionally reach out to parents for feedback and show flexibility in implementing parent suggestions (while maintaining the school’s educational goals) build mutual trust and respect. Team meetings with the parents and the staff members who work with a child are a great way to get on the same page even when things are going well. When this kind of relationship is in place before an issue arises, it will be natural to confront any challenges collaboratively and successfully.
Programming for Parents
Parenting is hard work, and while many communities have resources available for parents, when a school steps up to organize and host parent programming, this engages parents positively, allows the school to bring important or timely issues to the consciousness of parents, serves to send a message to the parents about what the school values, and builds the collaborative spirit we need. Parents are interested in learning more about tough topics like technology, emotional well-being, ADHD, or other learning and behavioral challenges. The school should work to create a pleasant atmosphere for these events, with food or a nice room setting, and parents would likely volunteer to assist with this effort. Parents walk away from periodic events feeling that the school recognizes the difficulty of raising children and cares about parents’ growth in these areas. Even more, when school staff and leadership attend these events (even though they may be qualified to lead them), we show humility and send the message that this kind of adult learning is important.
In some cases, a teacher or principal can be the one to deliver these presentations. Sometimes, though, bringing in an outside speaker is a great way to get our message across in a new, exciting fashion and gives the parents something to look forward to. Also, a speaker from outside the school community may be better able to discuss tough or touchy topics, making it easier for parents to accept. For example, a school might sense that parents are too permissive with their children, never telling them no and allowing them too many liberties, and this parenting style is making it hard for the school to manage troubling behaviors or have students put a full effort into challenging school assignments or even consistent school attendance. If a teacher or principal expresses this, it may not be well received, but an outside presenter with a good reputation could be more effective.
In some cases, it may even be appropriate to host a session (or series of sessions) on the topic of the parent-teacher relationship itself. Many parents want to support and advocate for their children and don’t know how to do so in an effective way. Imagine the impact for years to come if early childhood parents participate in such training. Of course, such a program would only be effective if the school and its staff follow the “rules” laid out in the course.
I have hosted small groups of mothers in my home to discuss the parent-school relationship. Because I am a mother in the community just like them and work in a special education role in the school, it was natural for me to guide parents in these areas. We discussed building a relationship from early in the year by calling the teacher when the school year starts and periodically checking in with the teacher throughout the year. I recommended showing appreciation by buying gifts around Yom Tovim or the end of the year, which can mean a lot to teachers who are often overworked and underpaid. Sometimes, just hitting reply to a weekly school newsletter sent via email and typing a simple “thank you!” can mean a lot to a teacher. Most importantly, I encouraged parents to ask for help and advocate for their child when a concern arises. Only parents can understand their child in a deep and nuanced way, and parent voices need to be heard. We discussed advocating in a way that demonstrates respect and doesn’t put the teacher on the defensive. It’s always a delight when a parent thanks me after they used the skills and strategies we discussed in that course years before!
The Tone Set by School Administration
The final piece, perhaps the most important and the most challenging, is how school administrators navigate challenging parent situations, setting the tone that their teachers are respected professionals while being open to parent feedback when there is a concern. To further the parent-teacher relationship, parents must sense that the school leaders trust their teachers’ professional skills and decision-making. Anything a school leader says that is critical of the teacher or sends parents the message that the teacher is the “problem” in the situation serves to undermine the teacher and makes it hard for the parents and teacher to continue to work collaboratively.
The challenge is that there are times when the teacher may be wrong, such as if she hasn’t communicated respectfully to the parent, isn’t appropriately knowledgeable about how to deal with a specific need of the child, or has been too unwilling or inflexible to follow the parent’s suggestion. In this case, when the parent might feel frustrated and reach out to the school leader for support, there is a very narrow path for the school leader to tread upon.
In such a case, it’s best to hear the parent out and validate their concern but not let the conversation linger on these frustrations. We can say, “I hear what you are saying…” or “I understand why that is frustrating…” and then guide the conversation toward practical next steps of how to help the child. The child is the main concern of the conversation, and when we keep that in mind while not being dismissive of complaints, the dialogue tends to remain positive and forward-looking.
Of course, if we are truly child-focused, it is our job to follow up with a teacher in a case where they made a mistake or fell short. This work is hard, especially if a teacher is resistant to change, but without meaningful educational leadership, a school will never develop a trusting relationship with their parents.
Beyond fielding phone calls from parents who are upset, a school leader needs to work proactively to make the parents feel that their children are in good hands. From time to time, every school community will be faced with a challenge or major transition, ranging from the recent pandemic or the war in Eretz Yisrael to a change in staffing or school policy. When that occurs, the way the school leaders communicate, with transparency and timeliness, conveying a sense of stable leadership, will determine if parents trust the decisions the school must make during such times.
In conclusion, communicating in a way that builds mutual trust, creating continual opportunities for learning, and setting the correct tone at the administrative level, go a long way towards creating a school with healthy parent-school relationships. We cannot truly help our students thrive into true b’nai torah without harnessing the power of a trusting relationship between parents and school.
Communicating with Your School When You are a Staff Member and a Parent
Communicating with Your School When You are a Staff Member and a Parent
Many Jewish educators are parents and educators in the same school. The balance between respecting the child’s teacher while advocating for the child could be tricky as the parenting role overlaps with your professional environment. Educators may feel that they have the best of both strengths when it comes to their children – the parent’s understanding and the professional’s recommendations. This can easily lead to a clash with the child’s teacher, who, in this case, is also a colleague.
The first thing to keep in mind is that just as we work hard to support other people’s children, our child’s teacher, who we disagree with, is fully devoted to our child and doing their honest best. This framing will lead to a mindset of true humility and respect.
Additionally, parents must consider that the teacher sees the child in a different environment than they do, and what the teacher observes in this school environment is vital information to hear and consider.
A parent-educator can disarm the teacher by leading off the conversation with, “I am not Mrs. So-and-so when we talk about my child; I am my child’s mommy.” By doing this, the teacher is given license to talk to the parent as a parent, signaling that the parent-educator will respect the teacher’s judgment. This important line can set the tone for the whole school year.
Sometimes, a parent in this situation would be advised to run their thoughts about their child and how the school is handling the situation by someone outside of school, such as the family’s rav, a mentor, or another educator. Also, the other non-teacher parent should be involved in conversations with the teacher as much as possible to help everyone stay objective and focus on what is best for the child.
If you have an educational thought or insight to share with your child’s teacher, it can be okay and helpful if it’s done in the framework of respect. Ask the child’s teacher if they want to hear your thoughts about the child, speak humbly and not in absolutes, refer to other members of the school leadership if they want to follow up, and thank them for hearing you out.
And, of course, always daven and ask Hashem to help us navigate this very tricky and rewarding place to be!
Chana Wallach, MS Special Education, is the Support Director at Torah Academy of Boston Boys Division. She has been a leader in education for a decade, supporting teachers, parents, school staff, and students alike. Mrs. Wallach oversees the academic, social/social-emotional, and service plans of her students. cwallach@torahacademy.us
