Apple and the Tree – Why Helping the Parents is the First Step to Helping the Children

by Rabbi Yitzchak Menda

I chuckle when I think about the students I’ve had with ADHD and the inevitable conversations I had to have with parents. Whether the Chassidish parents I work with now or the non-Jewish mother or father from when I worked in a community school, there have always been similar parental approaches. There were standard phrases I would hear over and over again. Let’s explore some of them.

“I was just like him/her, and I am fine now!”

I wish I had a bitcoin every time I heard this. I always smile and nod supportively when I hear this from a parent. I am glad you made it out fine and you are successful. Unless your child’s grandparents are going to be raising your child in a different era, school, and teachers, how do you know your child is going to be fine?

Statistically speaking, ADHD has a genetic component. The biggest hurdle I have found is when dealing with a child with ADHD you are also dealing with a parent or parents with ADHD. While this helps some parents be more active because they don’t want their kids to go through what they went through, for others it forces them to come face to face with their own struggles as adults, or their bad experience as a child with ADHD.  Per NIMH statistics almost 11% of the child population has ADHD and 4.4% of the adult population has ADHD.

Since statistics show that only half of the students with ADHD will still have ADHD when they are an adult, there is a 50/50 chance that their child is going to be fine without symptoms. However, there is also a 50/50 chance that their child is going to suffer and will continue to have issues in learning and impulse control. Is inaction or hoping the system will just deal with the child worth the risk of future issues? In today’s digital world, impulse control is much different than what it used to be. A while ago, if a child wanted to go do some “bad” things there was a lot of crafty planning needed. (At least they were using their executive functioning for some purpose.) Today, thanks to all the devices we dangle in front of the kids, impulse control is a whole different game. Our collective attention span is going down the drain and studies are proving it! Addressing a child’s ADHD isn’t just for success in school, it’s for success in life. A teacher or a principal can try to explain how in a much bigger picture, addressing the child’s ADHD is about addressing his/her future. In developmental psychology whenever a child misses a stage of growth, especially elementary years where productivity is essential, the child is set up for failure in the next steps of development. A parent should see an urgency not for the sake of school, but for the sake of their child in our current age and the child’s developmental progression.

“I like my child just the way they are. They are so creative, energetic, and special in their way. When they are in karate/art/dance class they are fine! It’s the school/teacher/principal’s fault.” 

The perspective the parent is taking is a healthy and normal one. They are looking at their child as they see their child, out of the school setting. However, you are looking at the child as a student in a group setting with other students. This is important data which parents inevitably miss. There are a few ways of addressing this.

I highly recommend allowing parents to come and observe the classroom. Let the parents see what their child is doing and what other children are doing. You can take notes as well and compare your observations with the parents’ observations. Track how often the child got up and walked around, how engaged they were, how their organization was, and how their time management was. Your goal isn’t to prove to the parent that their child has ADHD, rather your goal is to show the parents a set of behaviors that should be assessed by a mental health professional.  The symptoms may look like ADHD, but it could be anxiety, executive functioning, or a host of other issues. An educator should never label the child.

If the parent can’t make it in to observe, perform a detailed observation yourself with minute by minutes actions taken by the child and other children. If you have a bad relationship with the parent, ask a social worker or an outside professional for observation and have them share their notes. Allowing the parent the perspective of their child as part of a group can help the parent with the perspective needed to consider further action. Presenting data can stop the subjective back and forth and the defensiveness. Try to focus as much of the conversations as you can on the actions taken by the student, class, and the teacher.

“I will never medicate my child! We are going to try 10 different diets, this new therapy my neighbor is doing and never consider medication because my cousin’s nephew was on medication once and he became a zombie.”  

If a child can’t function at school after other interventions have been tried, it’s time to consider medication. Some kids react well to behavioral therapies and various “sticks and carrots” or interventions a school can help create with the guidance of mental health professionals. However, with a certain percentage of students, the only intervention that will work is medication. One observation I’ve made is that the horror stories about medication were almost always about someone else, or a misdiagnosis.  However, in almost every family I know that decided to medicate their child, the feedback I received was, “Why didn’t we try this earlier?”

Parents should be informed that it takes time to get the right type of medication and dosage right. Also, the dosage may have to change as the child grows bigger, so there will be some turbulence. The parent and the educator must know to anticipate these transition times and have the right approach, so the child doesn’t have to go through the trauma of not functioning. Remember, a teacher or principal should never give medical advice. Always explain to the parents that they should check with their doctor if they see changes in behavior.

Bringing the Child into the Picture

There was one parent who no one wanted to meet. He was a hot-tempered Israeli with a legacy of being difficult. As my colleagues and I tried over and over again to get him to understand that his child needed help, it was like talking to a wall.  In the spur of the moment, I pulled a wild card. I asked everyone if we could bring the student into the meeting. This was either going to backfire on me or be a success. When I brought the child and we all just asked some simple questions about why things were difficult for him in class, his simple responses melted the father’s heart. In a few moments, the father saw with his own eyes what his child was experiencing. The meeting ended right away because the father had seen enough. Keep in mind that a parent may “know the best” for their child, but I’ve had many parents who actually haven’t heard from teachers, checked emails, looked at sample work, or even spoken to their children about what is going on in class. Unfortunately, when the parent is also in their world of denial and being mentally scattered, it’s hard for them to see the bigger picture. Letting the child speak can break away a lot of the tensions we as teachers and administrators have difficulty conveying.

These strategies work for any issues children are experiencing and parents are on the defensive. Do not lecture the parent or diagnose a child. Show the bigger picture, describe behaviors, and bring the child in. Listen with empathy and listen without an agenda aside from clarifying their and your concerns. In conversation with the parents, if we create a safe environment with respect and care, you may not only be helping a child but a parent as well.

Rabbi Yitzchak Menda (rymemda@mycheder.com) is the principal for general studies at Cheder Chabad of Baltimore. Rabbi Menda taught at Oakland Hebrew Day School and later became the principal for Judaic studies at the Hebrew Academy of Tidewater. Rabbi Menda has a degree in psychology, a Masters in education, and is currently a certified principal mentor. 

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