Parents and Homework: How Parents Can Support their Children
January 10, 2024
A Rebbe’s Personal Growth
September 16, 2024
Rabbi Shalom Horowitz
It is conventional wisdom that mental health struggles in schools have become more acute since the start of the COVID-19 era. What exactly are the new exacerbated mental health issues that are being presented? In my experience and in speaking to many of my colleagues the challenges can be categorized into three areas.
- Parents
Life as we know it has become more stressful in many areas. The yearly cost of tuition, health and car insurance, mortgage payments, food, clothing, camp costs, etc. is well into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. That’s before a vacation, saving for retirement, or making a bar mitzvah or wedding. Keeping up with these costs as well as keeping up with the Shwartzes is a source of stress for a parent and a strain on a marriage. As such, a parent might not have the patience or headspace to engage and converse with their children calmly, lovingly, and patiently.
After 17 years of running afternoon dismissal carpool, I cannot tell you how many parents say hello to their children while scrolling or texting on their phones. This small yet significant interaction indicates the new challenges present in today’s parenting approach. The parent-child relationship is an anchor for a child’s self-confidence and ability to relate to other people in a healthy and age-appropriate manner.
Children pick up on their parents’ angst and anxiety, and it adversely affects them. The child also develops anxiety, short-tempered behaviors, and the inability to deal with difficult situations. In addition, when a child overhears a parent make a negative comment about the school it undermines the child’s ability to respect his/her teacher or the school rules in general. After all, the “school doesn’t know what they are doing.” - Teachers/Staff
Believe it or not, teachers are human also and have lives outside of school. Aside from the life stresses that teachers deal with as people, teachers are working with parents, dealing with students who have shorter attention spans, students who are struggling with self-regulation, students who are taking less responsibility for their own success, class sizes that may be getting larger, and, in some cases, more paperwork that needs to be completed on a daily or weekly basis.
A teacher must be supported by a principal who understands the teacher’s challenges and can effectively guide the teacher, provide teaching strategies, help strategize solutions for students struggling academically, know what the teacher’s teaching style is, and work to support it. The principal should be positive and supportive, and not sarcastic or generally unavailable to speak to. The principal, through his or her behavior, creates a positive ruach and culture in the school where opinions are validated, and a collaborative vibe is sensed throughout the institution. Without the support of a competent principal, the teacher may suffer from poor morale and may encounter a high number of unresolved behavior and/or academic issues. - Students
Sometimes I wonder if I can relate to a ten-year-old boy growing up in today’s world. Most of the adults in their lives are addicted to a phone, the children grow up staring at screens, and everything moves so fast that processing anything can be a challenge. Can a twelve-year-old really sit through a davening? Do they have a love of reading books? Can they sit on a stoop (do those even exist anymore?) and have a fun conversation with friends, laughing and schmoozing? Do eleven-year-olds tinker and dissect old radios, computers, or smartphones? How many children today take piano, drums, or saxophone lessons?
And yet, today’s children attend school for seven or eight hours a day and are learning kodesh and chol! Today’s rebbeim, moros, and teachers are truly remarkable superstars!
I recall students from the same class having differences of opinion regarding an issue. Listening to them present their opinion was at times shocking. Some students told me that if I don’t mandate masks then people will die because of me. Other students told me that if I mandate masks many students will develop respiratory or developmental issues. The same polarization of opinions is manifest in ten-year-olds regarding national politics, allegiance to the shul rabbi, vaccinations in general, and whether red dye 40 causes all types of illnesses.
Children are growing up in a super-fast-paced world that has little patience for others, with adults who struggle to be active listeners, and where the koach habitul is an unfortunate value that is quite rampant.
Solutions
Can school leaders and teachers make a positive difference and impact? Absolutely! The recommendations I will provide are not magic or new chiddushim. Rather, the goal is to help us refocus on strategies that are beneficial for reinforcing healthy relationships and that help create and maintain healthy lines of communication.
Blueprint: All of us, principals, teachers, and parents must be deliberately present when engaging with any other person, especially with our students and children.
- Parents
In general, to be great parents, we need to be a great spouse. When a person is present when in conversation or talking with their spouse, they are happier and able to have a calmer house environment where serenity reigns and shalom bayis can be just that – peace in the home. Children are highly in tune with their parents’ moods. Moods are present in their speech, tone of voice, and body language. We usually attribute the idea of projective body language to a parent who is in a bad mood. The truth is that the impact of a loving, caring, and warm home environment without sarcasm and negativity is incredibly impactful on a child’s emotional and psychological development as well.
In the sefer Spare the Child, by Rabbi Yechiel Yaakovson, he discusses this idea. He says in the name of Rav Shlomo Wolbe, zt”l, that the ikur chinuch, the primary way of educating children, is not the formal educational interactions with our children, but what children observe when we don’t mean to parent them (page 421). For example, we may ask our child to please clean up after they eat. However, the child will internalize how to clean up by watching what his or her parent does after they finish eating. If a parent gets frustrated and mutters under their breath, honking while in a turning lane, those three seconds of behavior are more powerful than ten years of stories or speeches about patience and vatranus. And the opposite is also true. When during a stressful moment a child observes and witnesses their parent stay calm and level-headed and not get upset, that moment will be etched into the psyche of the child for eternity and will be the anchor for the child to hold onto as a model of how to behave when they are faced with the choice of getting upset or not.
As such, parents must be working on themselves, within the context of the home and family, even if it is shelo lishma, so that our children experience a home that emanates kedusha and harmony. Studies have shown that from a very young age children can detect and are directly affected by their parents’ moods.
Parents should never say offhanded remarks that undermine a teacher or a school. A parent must always hold the teacher in the highest esteem. Every child must feel that his or her parents have the utmost respect for the teacher. It is a tragedy when a student says to a friend, and sometimes even to a teacher, “My father thinks you are not such a good teacher.” This actually happens. Children want very much to be like their parents. They have a natural respect for them and want to emulate them. It is a big responsibility that every parent carries and something they must always be aware of.
When we walk into our homes or when our children come home from school, we must turn our phones and computers off and put them away. We must dedicate our time and, more importantly, our minds and focus on our children and spouses. Parents need to talk and laugh with their children. Parents must allow themselves to shep nachas and enjoy the creativity and love that children exude. - Teachers (and other school staff)
The possible solution is obvious once the problem is well understood. Principals need to relate to and be supportive of their teachers more often and in person. This does not come at the expense of holding the teacher accountable to fulfill their duties as professionals. On the contrary, creating a happy, warm, and upbeat school environment through osmosis encourages the teacher to be positive and engaging in their classroom.
A principal has many, many (did I say many?) responsibilities, some of which are instances of picking up slack for others. As such, for a good part of the day, a principal may be so busy putting out fires, dealing with crises and emergencies, and holding the hands of others, that they don’t get to focus on programming and growth like they really want to. The emotional load and strain a principal bears is truly unbelievable. However, effective principals create blocks of time dedicated to doing what they must do to be impactful.
I would recommend setting aside about 45 minutes a day (different times every day so you are not predictable) to go into classrooms and walk the aisles. All you need to spend is about three to five minutes per class. The goal is threefold.
a. The teacher is observed informally, and the principal gets to see what is REALLY going on.
b. The principal gets to interact with the students. A two or three-word compliment means the world to the student.
c. It affords the principal the amazing opportunity to compliment the teacher in front of the students. An authentic and specific compliment about a teacher instills great self-confidence in the teacher and raises the level of respect the students have for the teacher (as opposed to a general compliment such as, “You guys are doing great,” or “Mrs. Klein is a super teacher.”) The students may not articulate this feeling, but it is none the less internalized. (The same idea applies to complimenting a spouse in front of the children – make sure it’s authentic and specific.)
A principal, like a parent, is a leader. Leaders lead by example. Leaders set the tone and create a culture. People can grow and develop these traits. With self-introspection and a clear vision, a parent/teacher can evolve and flourish into incredible role models for the youth in their life. After all, as Torah Jews, we believe that one of our goals in this world is to work on our middos and to become closer to Hashem. - Students
Every child wants to thrive. Children are naturally curious, mischievous, and full of life, and have the natural desire to want to learn. The Mishna tells us that learning with children is like writing on smooth unused parchment. One of the understandings of this metaphor is that when starting to write on a new stencil there is excitement and great energy. There is excitement because the opportunity to create something beautiful and original is present. A child’s mind is not full of resentment, regret, frustration, and shtusim. It is up to us, the adults in the child’s life, to create the ruach and opportunity for the child to thrive.
Children need structure. They need predictability about what comes next. They should have chores at home that are age-appropriate and that contribute to the functioning of the home (see Rabbi Wolbe’s book, Planting and Building in Chinuch). Parents and teachers should be structured and somewhat predictable. For example, the Shabbos seuda should have a general consistency regarding when and how it’s run. Children should know and be able to predict what time they will eat supper and go to sleep.
Children are fun. Have fun with them! Laugh, smile, and play games that are stimulating for the mind but also enjoyable for the child to play. If, for example, they don’t enjoy chess, play Scrabble or Battleship.
Celebrate accomplishments. When a child brings home a test, even if it’s not a 100, tell him or her how proud you are of them. When they complete a chore, thank them. When they come home from shul on Shabbos, tell them how delighted you are that they davened so nicely. Find opportunities to demonstrate your happiness that they are your child or that they are in your class. Let them know how special it is to be a yid and that they are a tzelem Elokim making a kiddush Hashem.
Limit to the greatest extent possible their exposure to any screen time. The damage of watching and staring at a screen is well-documented. Cyberbullying is real and the consequences can even be fatal. Most parents don’t know that their child was cyberbullied until it becomes a crisis. Most children do not need access to social media. If a child does have social media, filter and monitor it as best possible. Don’t be afraid to set limits and parameters. They will thank you for it later.
Adopt a mitzvah that you do with your child. For example, you can pack or deliver for Tomchei Shabbos or Bikur Cholim. You can clean up the siddurim and chumashim in shul after Shabbos. You can visit homebound people or elderly people in nursing homes. Having a special sefer that you learn with a child is so special. Connecting to a child (or any person for that matter) through Torah and mitzvos creates healthy bonds and great memories, and most of all helps the next generation be proud to be a yid and to serve Hashem with simcha and joy.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we must ask Hashem for siyata dishmaya to be great parents and teachers. We need the right words when speaking to children. We need the right tone, the correct body language, and the ability to focus for two minutes and look them in the eye when engaging with them. We must be a source of chizuk and support for them. They must feel our love and they must know that we will be there for them no matter what. We all have it within us to be great. It takes work, focus and tefillah. May we all merit to live our lives to be the best that Hashem meant for us to be.
Rabbi Shalom Horowitz is the Director of Student Services at Yeshiva Spring Valley. Rabbi Horowitz was a long time Rebbe at Torah Day School of Atlanta. For over a decade he also ran a successful teen minyan at Congregation Beth Jacob under the leadership of Rabbi Ilan Feldman. Most recently, served as Head of School at Torah Academy of Jacksonville, FL. Rabbi Horowitz has a master’s in educational administration and a second master’s in clinical counseling.